Girl on fire: just a mystery.

Move status.

So I’m in the process of moving my Posterous entries to Tumblr, and have done the basic text ones. It’s a bit tedious because Tumblr has different codes for when you wanna center something in a post, so I have to change those as I go. I’m feeling really uncomfortable about my Tumblr URL being msgingerbread, might have to come up with something else at some point.

Finished, yay.

Scars remind me.

Oy vey, I had to have a blood test today due to my old friend Chronic Headache returning, along with its pal Stabby Stomach. The women in my family are known to have shitty, tiny veins, and man did I freak when the bloodsucker announced she needed to check my other arm for a vein. You always sense exactly when someone has seen your scars, something in the air changes. However, she didn’t even mention it! Not even a gasp, which is the least I’ve gotten in the past. I read about someone (I’m not sure if it’s okay to name so I shan’t) using Bio-Oil to erase scars, and I’ve thought about doing the same. I never go ahead with it though because I think I should have to deal with what I’ve done, I should be punished. I should learn. I don’t know. It’s like if I’m able to remove them from my body, it’s okay to keep doing it. Ugh, conflicted.

Sitting on top of the world.

Well, not really, but I just listened to Delta’s song. She’s so different now compared to when I was obsessed over her. She looks fucking hot now, but that song is really…shallow? Yeah anyway. I’m proud of myself for not turning Posterous into a shitbox full of emotions recently, go me. I have been thinking a lot about food lately, trying to lose weight not only to be healthy but to be more physically appealing to others. Which brings up the issue of beauty itself. Not gonna go there today though. Just thought I’d write a little bit about my experience with eating issues.

When I was younger I was considered one of the tall people in my class (funny how you talk about ‘in your class’ rather than in any other setting) and not overly big/fat. Since I was tall and therefore weighed more than my friends I was always thinking about how big I was though. The move from primary to intermediate really fucked me up, as I’m sure it did for many people around that age. But all of a sudden I was getting picked on for my specs. 64kg and 165cm. Is that normal? That’s always been my personal normal. I dunno. Things were still okay though, I just began thinking about food and what I ate a bit more. It was in college, 2005, that I really started feeling it. I can’t remember what size I was at my normal stage, but I literally shrank in a few months to an XS, size 11 jeans, just tiny. I wasn’t anorexic. I ate dinner. I was living with my parents. I’m not sure what it’s like for other girls who get too skinny, but I adored it. I loved being skinnier, though I never noticed visually any changes. I was happier. And then I hooked up with my guy and ballooned about 15kg in the first year of our relationship, and another five the second year, and I’m now about 15kg heavier than that. I’m not sure that it was because of being in a relationship that I started binging. I think it was because I got so damn skinny and then rebelled - lost all self-control, even to this day - and did the complete opposite. It really pisses me off eh. I used to be able to just not eat when I wanted. These days I don’t ever really get hungry, but if I see something I want I need to have it. No control. It’s so emotionally draining, too. Pretty sure 60% of the time I’m thinking about my weight, eating, all that.

How the hell do you get back to normal?

Hello, LJ.

Yeah this is what happens when Tumblr becomes my friend: I post a lot about nothing.

The last few days have sucked, with today being the climax of it all. I was always single but now I’m for real single. We had this habit of breaking up a lot (my doing, of course) but I can tell this is different because I am avoiding thinking about it and there is a roll of loo paper on my desk for when I do think about it. For instance I just watched Bones S03E09, the Christmas episode, and was set off by the ending where Booth looks at Brennan and you can see that he’s in love with her. Jeez.

This is the plan. Gotta keep up with study and homework so I can pass my classes. Otherwise stay occupied with Bones, Freaks and Geeks and My So-Called Life. And maybe even with actual people. Also part of the plan is to yes, post about anything I’m thinking or feeling to do with recent events, but no, not go psycho about it. At least not here. Tumblr I will probably psycho it up with my reblogs but here with my writing not so much. Unless this is considered psycho…in which case I’ll be doing a lot of post-deleting.

Title reference: LJ is how I dealt with my last situation like this.

It’s time to deal.

“Sooner or later I’m going to have to think about it and then I’m going to be a mess.”

I’ve been unfortunately feeling this way about Mum’s death for a while now. Three years of ignoring it, then moving house triggers all these negative little emotions. I don’t wanna do it; the thought legitimately scares me. My life right now is exactly how it was when Mum was sick. I sleep in her bed (like I did when she was in the hospital), I watch her TV in bed, I eat a lot of bad food, and that’s about it. My psychologist wants me to start venturing into other parts of my house, like go watch TV in the lounge. It seems so simple but the lounge is where family goes, and some of my family is dead. I wanna grow as a person, I wanna become stronger and less of a hermit, but the steps I have to take to get there are terrifying.

Wristcutting.

Jesus I just saw this picture on Tumblr of a very, very badly cut wrist. I’m not going to reblog it because I don’t post pictures of suicidal things; I always consider how girls or some women might see it and think, “Hey it’s being posted repeatedly on the ‘Net, it must be cool!” No. I respect people’s right to publish whatever they please but for me, no. I’m not sure talking about it is actually any better…for a long while I wouldn’t talk about my depression or anything either. Anyway. I’ve never been the kind of person to be ‘triggered’ by images. My triggers are all events directly related to me or my life. This picture literally made me jolt with fear though - and feel relief. Yes, I used to cut. And if I’m honest I don’t know if I can say “used to”. It’s been a while. I’m so grateful for my psychologist and my determination to (finally) get better. I never got to the stage of trying to die via cutting. I feel for those who have. Our generation is plagued by mental illness. Our great depression is our lives. Is it the Internet?

Hypersexual.

So I took a looong break from blogging and reading blogs and the first thing I noticed when I rejoined that scary world was holy shit, everyone posts so much about sex. I’m not saying it’s not okay, just when did people go from “omg I hate my body” to “I can be sexual without it being weird” to “the world is about sex”? It’s almost like women are posting sexual pictures on their blogs to fit in. Baffling.

The overwhelming.

Oh sadness, how I’ve missed you. Isn’t that funny? People spend their lives trying to find happiness, they pay money to do so, but if that huge emotion finally lifts off of you, you miss it. It’s like a blanket. Being happy means a whole different way of thinking, of living. It’s scary. I’ve been taking antidepressants for a while now, and the other day I thought, “I don’t think I’m depressed anymore,” and it scared the shit out of me. But then over the last few days I’ve felt like my heart’s been ripped out and though it’s a completely different kind of sadness, I feel relieved to have a break from being okay. I enjoy being okay, but I enjoy my nothing life of TV and Internet, too. Fuck. I wish I could sleep.

How it can be.

Since my guy and I started things up again (I’m still reluctant to say we’re in a relationship because of someone’s possible commitment-phobia. :P) I have been finding myself thanking the cosmos that I started seeing my psychologist when I did because without a doubt she has helped me through some big issues that would have been extremely detrimental to my non-relationship. I have insane trust issues - doesn’t every girl? - but honestly this quotation is so true. Of course I occasionally, or more than occasionally, let my trust stuff come to the surface and it’s very easy to tell that my guy immediately starts acting differently towards me. But when he goes out and I don’t say anything, because I think that’s how you get the trust back, we’re in a very happy state with each other. Life doesn’t need to be so dramatic and fearful.

If I could impart a single piece of advice from my talented psychologist it would be that we control the way we think. I don’t think it’s common knowledge that we can turn off our shitty thoughts. It’s hard, I’ve had trouble with it, but we can get there. I’m not saying don’t feel your feelings, just that when you’re getting to the point of okay-this-is-boring you can think about other stuff.

Man I wish Posterous had a bigger following and that it was easier to check out other people’s blogs (which btw is why I started up at Tumblr again).

A conflicting mind.

A few months ago my ex and I started something up again, and we were really happy. I finally realized that he is who I wanna be with for the long haul. We were together for almost four years the first time so we talked about the future and all back then, but I generally felt a sense of being trapped. Talking about all the possibilities was exciting, of course, but I was so young. Now that stuff doesn’t scare me because I see it’s what I do really want. However when we were together there were some cheating things happening on his side of the relationship, and in the last few months that has been a really big issue for me. Again. Anyhow, I found myself almost trying to sabotage our almost-relationship because of how scared I was of being hurt like that again. Isn’t that totally fucked? I was happy but so scared I was making myself unhappy…So do other people do this?